I’ve been avoiding writing this post for the better part of a week, so I apologize if it comes off a bit emotional … because it is. I literally typed this entire thing out with the tears flowing. This won’t be like a regular blog post. It’s raw, very personal, probably a little bit of everywhere and straight from the heart.
My Nana moved out of her old farmhouse on 100+ beautiful Southern Missouri acres today. She downsized and moved into town where she will have just about everything she needs close-by, all while being just a little bit closer to us. Yes, an older woman, such as herself, does not need to maintain a giant cattle farm, but it still hurts. This entire transition has been extremely bittersweet.
You see, my Nana deserves every single corner of the world and everything it has to offer. She grew up poor and uneducated, married her sweetheart and lived her life as a dedicated wife and mother. My Nana can take anything and turn it into a home. She’s constantly moving furniture, decorating and her home has always smelled like what “home” is to me. I feel like my Nana’s sense of making a house a home resonates deeply within me. I want my home to be warm, inviting and to smell like a home – just like her home. She’s said it before herself, I am her mini-me and she believes I can do anything.
So much of my 34 years has been spent at the farm. I learned so many life lessons at the farm with my Nana and Papa. Most kids have a good relationship with their grandparents but our relationship is different. I didn’t have a perfect childhood growing up. Yes, my parents gave us everything we needed and more, including expensive educations, but we were far from perfect. Probably the exact opposite of it. My grandparents were an extra set of parents. Two very special people that would do anything and everything to keep my sister and I safe and happy, no matter what they needed to do. Our safe haven was the farm.
On the farm, I was always in awe of how it was always different when we showed up. Nana always had the furniture arranged just slightly different than the last time. We always had a warm bed to sleep in, even if it was a foam mattress with far too many blankets and pillows on the upstairs porch. To this day, I’ve never had a floor pallet as good as Nana makes them. I learned (and still learn) how my Nana cooks and she never ceases to amaze me with how sharp she is at almost 80 years old. Nana always says she’s not very smart or educated, but I’ll fight you to the death if you don’t agree with me on that woman being one of the most intelligent and wise women I’ve ever met. And there’s not a single thing she can’t do – if she can’t physically do it, she WILL find a way to do it.
I spent as much time as I could on the farm, learning how to farm and tend to the animals with my Papa, even from a very young age. You bet your ass I can operate a tractor, skid steer and various farm equipment. I can tend to a herd of cattle, I can throw hay like a pro, I’m a horse whisperer and I’ve even delivered a calf before. I spent so much time with the horse, Starbuck. I loved that guy. I still remember the day Papa called me to tell me he had finally died. His heart was as broken as mine. And pro tip – If you ever go to a farm, never drink from the unmarked pitcher in the fridge. I promise you won’t like it.
We spent many days around the old kitchen table in the old kitchen before the addition was added on about 20 years ago. My sister and I would sit at the table and color, work on homework or eat some old fashioned country cooking – like Nana’s biscuits and chocolate gravy. Nana and Papa eventually gave me that table and it is my most prized possession. The night they brought it to me was the first time Nana & Papa saw my first home – our condo in South County. We took the WS6 to Buffalo Wild Wings and had dinner together afterwards. I rehabbed that table and now it’s the centerpiece of our home where we now make our own memories around.
In the kitchen, Ashley and I would constantly be breaking the tips off of the aloe plant to smell the aloe inside, making dance routines on the old back porch with our aunt’s boom box or get caught on the upper deck, where we weren’t supposed to go. That deck was so goddamn sketchy, it shook if you stepped on the stairs… but we LOVED to play up there! As we got older, I loved to take my trucks out and get them stuck in various inconvenient spots around the farm… so stuck that we’d need to grab a tractor to un-bury the frame so I could get out.
We had many family reunions at the farm. Just a bunch of southern folks, gathered around the grill with fold out chairs, a couple of coolers and a bunch of belly laughs. Or sitting on the front porch with my mom, sister and aunts with a radio, as we sang as loud as we could for hours. I’m also pretty sure that my mom discovered that I’m a sleepwalker at the farm on one of those weekends. I remember fondly one time when my Uncle Papa (my Papa’s older brother, Donald) stayed the weekend at the farm and I just loved him so much. I stayed up and talked with him all night. About what? I can’t remember. I was maybe 7-8 years old, but I do remember him telling me about various forest animals and what ones I should stay away from. He always warned me of the bobcat. To this day, I’ve never seen one – only heard one. And I think of that particular weekend at the farm every time I hear one.
Speaking of sounds, the sounds at the farm have always been so pure. The air is so clear and it seems like you can hear a pin drop. You can hear every frog and cricket within a two mile radius. It’s common to hear the coyotes howling, deer walking through the woods and the cows moo-ing in the distance. The sky is so clear you can see no less than a trillion stars in the black night above you.
I always had a vision of someday getting married to the love of my life on that farm. It would have been perfect. I would be a simple get together, there in the backyard with Papa officiating and beautiful pictures, overlooking the fields that back up to the Gasconade at sunset. But, I’ll never have that. My Papa is gone and now, so is our farm.
The farm has been home to our family for well over 30 years. There, we’ve seen our fair share of tragedy, as well has happiness and celebration. The farm saw the aftermath of my aunt’s massive brain injury when she worked at the state prison – but also saw her overcome huge hurdles and re-learn how to walk, talk and basically, exist. The farm saw the aftermath of the false accusations at my uncle’s trial – but also saw our family come together to support him and watch him begin a new life as a civilian.
Finally, the farm saw my Papa’s final conscious moments. He swore he would die on his farm he worked so hard for, and goddamnit, that’s exactly what he did. As hard as it was, that farm watched my Nana struggle to learn how to do literally everything she’s never had to worry about – and she has overcome so many things, as I knew she would. She is so smart and so capable, I have never been more proud of someone as I am of my Nana. She’s one hell of a woman.
As I bring this to a close, I want to remind myself that even though it hurts to lose physical piece of my life, everything that means so much to me at the farm is still with me. I still have every single memory, I still have my Nana and I am so damn thankful to have that woman in my life. I can’t wait to someday buy our own chunk of rural paradise, build a perfect farm house and make more memories with our family.
Now, we will make Nana’s new house a perfect home and we will make new memories there. Here’s to new beginnings and so much happiness to be had in Nana’s new home.
“Country fried, baptized in gravy, can’t wash off what the good Lord made ya, no matter how far that highway goes, an old dirt road’ll get you home”
This is so beautifully written. I can also smell your grandmas house as you described it ❤️ So many beautiful memories you will cherish in your heart forever
Girl, thank you so dang much. I wish I could describe it better, because it is the most heavenly smell. I’ll try – think a Kirklands, but with a touch of old wood, old books and a dash of livestock fur and hay. <3